Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
