So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
