New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
