Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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