The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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