k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Randomize
