so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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