i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
