One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
