My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
