I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
