I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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