Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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