Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
