i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
