I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
