dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
