AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
