turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
