I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
