my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
