I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
