im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
