theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
