Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
