he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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