Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
