After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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