Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
