just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
