so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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