My hand turned me down
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
