So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
