Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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