My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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