I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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