clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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