You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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