Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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