You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
