Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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