my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
