I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Randomize
