I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
