I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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