i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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