I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Dicks are not precious.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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