he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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