I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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