47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
