I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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