My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Just pee around me
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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