I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
